Revenge on George Lucas

I'm going to try to get a post going this weekend with some pics of my car with its new "Urgo" plate, but until then check out this great, uh Abridged script from the latest Star Wars movie. Its hilarious!

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith: The Abridged Script (or click MORE... for my local copy)

STAR WARS: EPISODE III - REVENGE OF THE SITH: THE ABRIDGED
SCRIPT™

By Rod Hilton

FADE IN:

EXT. SPACE

Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera
chasing wildly behind them in a way that only computer
generated scenes can show. We see that they have EWAN
MCGREGOR and HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN in them.

EWAN MCGREGOR
I can hardly tell who is shooting
who in this dizzying space battle
sequence!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty confusing.

EWAN MCGREGOR
No, I mean literally dizzying!
(vomits)

They fly toward CHRISTOPHER LEE'S SHIP so they can rescue
SUPREME CHANCELLOR IAN MCDIARMID.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Oh no, the hangar has shields up!

HAYDEN shoots something next to the shield and they
deactivate.

EWAN MCGREGOR
The thing that powers the shield is
on the outside of the ship?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It's like
a life support system being in a box
on someone's chest.

They land inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL.

EWAN MCGREGOR
I sure am enjoying the feeling of
brotherly camaraderie between us.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the
sort of thing that should have been
in the last film. Oh well, at least
there were scenes of me rolling
around in the grass.

They make their way toward CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN
MCDIARMID, using the help of R2D2, who uses his rockets to
fly again, in spite of everyone trying so hard to forget
that ever happened. They find IAN.

IAN MCDIARMID
Help me! I am trapped in a
comfortable chair overlooking all of
the destruction I have wrought!

Suddenly, CHRISTOPHER LEE enters.

CHRISTOPHER LEE
I have been waiting a long time for
a rematch. Now, you will have to
face a stunt double with my face
pasted on!

They DUEL. CHRISTOPHER LEE easily dispatches EWAN. HAYDEN
fights him and eventually KILLS him.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
Wow, that was it for Christopher
Lee, huh? Seems almost pointless to
have killed Darth Maul and
introduced him in the first place.

HAYDEN, EWAN, and IAN all begin to leave, but they are
CAPTURED and brought before GENERAL GREVIOUS, A ROBOTIC
SKELETON.

GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
I will now add your lightsabers to
my collection of Star Wars
memorabilia.

He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S STAR WARS LUNCH BOX
WITH THERMOS NO RESERVE!!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Artoo, freak the hell out
obnoxiously!

He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for EWAN to get
his LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an
OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW THAT GREVIOUS IS AS BADASS AS WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE is missed.

GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing and wheezing)
I will run like a coward, further
failing to illustrate how
intimidating my character is meant
to be!

HAYDEN crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE.
There is MILD CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by NATALIE
PORTMAN, the linchpin of HAYDEN'S turn to the dark side.

NATALIE PORTMAN
(yawning)
Hayden, I'm pregnant.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
How can you be sure?

NATALIE PORTMAN
Because in a minute or two I'll
actually be showing. Really.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You know, I love you with all the
love one can love a lover with.

NATALIE PORTMAN
Wow, that almost tops your 'wish'
line from the last movie. Tell me
again on the balcony while I brush
my hair and look vaguely hideous.

We cut to HAYDEN having a nightmare about NATALIE giving
birth to a GUNGAN. NATALIE is visibly pregnant now in a
single shot, the only indicator at all that any time has
passed since the previous scene. Nothing happens for a
while, and eventually HAYDEN seeks the advice of IAN
MCDIARMID.

INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING

IAN MCDIARMID
You seem worried about Natalie
dying. Also, you're confused about
being a Jedi.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
They don't want me to fuck Natalie
Portman. That's insanity. Did you
see her in Closer? Holy fuck.

IAN MCDIARMID
Did you know that those who embrace
the Dark Side have a lot of powers
that Jedi do not? For example, they
can influence that midichlorian
bullshit to create life.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Create life? Wait, are you implying
that my supposed virgin birth was--

IAN MCDIARMID
And they can stop others from
dying.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Stop others? Like, if someone force
chokes them and they start to die
because of it hours later?

IAN MCDIARMID
Yup.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
That's distracting enough that I'll
not bother following up on the other
thing you said.

Meanwhile...

EXT. KASHYYK

YODA leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The
scene is utterly superfluous and present solely to have a
scene containing WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the STAR
WARS UNIVERSE seem even smaller with more cameos by
characters from the original trilogy.

CHEWBACCA
Nyaaarrrgghh.

EXT. UTAPAU

EWAN MCGREGOR finds out that GENERAL GREVIOUS is hiding on
UTAPAU. He jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA.

IGUANA
Shriek! Shriek!

The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the
AUDIENCE MISERABLE during any scene containing it. EWAN
rides it up to GENERAL GREVIOUS and challenges him.

EWAN MCGREGOR
I will attempt to destroy you now,
without waiting for my support
troops to arrive.

GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
Are you serious? You've lost
literally every single duel you've
been a part of except for the one
with Darth Maul. Hayden constantly
mentions how many times he has saved
you. What have you done in the
entire prequel trilogy so far to
prove that you're actually a decent
fighter?

EWAN MCGREGOR
Hey, I sorta beat Jango Fett. So,
what's with the coughing, do droids
get colds or something?

GENERAL GREVIOUS
(wheezing)
Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a
droid. Check it out, I have an
actual beating heart.

EWAN shoots it and GREVIOUS'S HEAD explodes in a ball of
fire.

EWAN MCGREGOR
That made sense.

INT. CORUSCANT

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN runs up to SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING
JACKSON

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Samuel, I rented the original Star
Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
pretty sure Ian McDiarmid is a Sith
Lord.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Then it's time to get medieval on
some ass.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Let me come with you.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
No, go your room.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON and some OTHER JEDI go to
see IAN. Meanwhile HAYDEN stares out the window of the JEDI
TEMPLE, toward NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT. Though he says
nothing, we can see that he is conflicted, trying to decide
between his commitment to the Jedi order and his love for
his wife. NATALIE, at the same time, gazes toward the Jedi
Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
How pathetic is it that the msot
well-acted scene between us is the
one in which we are in separate
buildings and have no lines?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON enters IAN MCDIARMID'S
CHAMBER.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Ian, you're under arrest for being
a manipulative motherfucker.

IAN MCDIARMID
I got a threshold, Jedi. I got a
threshold for the abuse I'll take.
And right now I'm a race car and you
got me in the red. I'm just saying
that it's fuckin' dangerous to have
a racecar in the fuckin' red. It
could blow.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?

IAN MCDIARMID
I could blow.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin'
motherfucker, motherfucker! Every
time my fingers touch my lightsaber
I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of
Navarone.

Suddenly, IAN pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward the
JEDI, pulls his arm back, aims at a Jedi, kills him, pulls
his blade out, moves toward another, and slowly kills him
too, all while SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON twirls his
lightsaber around pointlessly behind them. Once only SAMUEL
is left, they DUEL. IAN makes silly faces and is eventually
beaten.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Let me read to you from the book of
Ezekiel for a--

Suddenly, IAN unleashes some force lightning on SAMUEL,
which he absorbs into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back
onto IAN, which causes him to grow old, apprently. Despite
this, IAN refuses to stop doing it.

IAN MCDIARMID
Must... bridge... gap... to...
original... trilogy...

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN arrives.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Wow, you really can absorb force
lightning with a lightsaber. Someone
really, really needs to tell Luke
that. Anyway, Ian, I think Samuel is
about to rip you a new one, mind
telling me how to save Natalie real
quick?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Fuck that, I'm killing this geezer
now.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You can't. He must stand trial.
Killing him now would be.. er, well
it would be exactly the same as when
I killed Christoper Lee in the
beginning of the movie.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
You're actually right, but I'm
going to kill him anyway.

HAYDEN stops him and IAN throws him out the window, a fall
which no PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED JEDI CAPABLE OF
SUPER-JUMPING could possibly survive.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Ian.

IAN MCDIARMID
That was fast. Well, now that you
have taken a single, somewhat
justifiable step toward the Dark
Side, there's no turning back. Go
kill all of the Jedi in the temple,
including the children.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Right, go kill the children. Got it.

IAN MCDIARMID
Well, kill everyone, not just--

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the
children now! Whee!

He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Jedi,
while the challenging task of murdering children can only be
undertaken by the DARK LORD OF THE SITH.

EXT. UTAPAU

IAN MCDIARMID appears in a HOLOGRAPH to one of the CLONE
TROOPERS.

IAN MCDIARMID
Execute order 66.

CLONE TROOPER
Kill all shrieking CGI creatures.
(to his troops)
Alright men, shoot down the giant
Iguana.

IAN MCDIARMID
Oh, and order 67.

CLONE TROOPER
Jedi, too. Got it.

They shoot at EWAN, who falls into the water.

CLONE TROOPER
He's dead. Nobody could have
survived that fall. Except a Jedi,
of course.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Jesus, they've become really
stupid. This movie really DOES
bridge the gap between the original
trilogy and the prequel trilogy.

EXT. MYGEETO

Suddenly, all of the clone troopers turn against
KI-ADI-MUNDI and shoot him.

KI-ADI-MUNDI
Oh no, I'm being shot by fewer
weapons than at the end of Attack of
the Clones! Somehow, this overpowers
me!
(dies)

CLONE TROOPERS kill all remaining JEDI all over the galaxy,
including the BLUE HOTTIE. Despite their supernatural senses
and a lifetime of training in battle skills, they all
succumb to the TROOPERS. Meanwhile, HAYDEN travels to
MUSTAFAR to kill all of the separatists. JAR JAR, sadly, is
not one of them.

INT. NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT

EWAN arrives to talk to NATALIE.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Natalie, do you know where Hayden
is? I just saw some security
recordings of the Jedi temple, and
apparently also of Ian McDiarmid's
chamber afterwards. Or beforehand.
Or an alternate universe, perhaps.
Anyway, he was killing children!

NATALIE PORTMAN
Hayden? No! I refuse to entertain
this notion and will dismiss your
concerns outright. Hayden would
never kill children!
(pause)
Oh, wait, unless they were
sandpeople. Then he would kill them.
But he's definitely not a murderer
otherwise.

EWAN stows away on NATALIE'S SHIP as she FLIES to MUSTAFAR.

EXT. MUSTAFAR

NATALIE'S SHIP lands and she runs to HAYDEN.

NATALIE PORTMAN
Hayden! I heard you've gone toward
the dark side! It's not true, is it?
Why are your eyes all red?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
You brought Ewan, didn't you? To
actually act well and make me look
wooden and awful!

NATALIE PORTMAN
Of course not! I'm even worse than
you in this movie, why would I bring
someone capable of acting well here?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(comically)
Liar!

He chokes her.

NATALIE PORTMAN
(collapsing)
Urk!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Oh baby, I'm sorry. I only force
choke you because I love you. Come
back to me baby.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Hayden! What the hell, your whole
reason for turning was to save her.
That was completely stupid.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Bah, the Jedi are stupider! They
didn't know I was married to Natalie
despite the fact that we live
together, which Ian figured out in
seconds. They didn't know Ian was a
Sith. They asked me to get close to
him, knowing full well I am confused
and that he's manipulative. God, the
assassin from Attack of the Clones
allegedly couldn't be sent by
Christopher Lee because "it's not in
his character." Face it, it's a
miracle the Jedi survived this long.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Anti-Jedite!

They DUEL. Then they DUEL some more. Afterwards, they do
some more DUELLING. Then there's another DUEL, a little
DUELLING, and finally a DUEL.

EWAN MCGREGOR
It's over, Hayden. I've got the high
ground, just like Darth Maul did in
Episode 1 right before I killed him
successfully. Ignoring that, if you
jump over to me, I will cut your
shit off.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You underestimate my power to
decide not to jump to the low ground
in front of you where I will be able
to safely continue duelling, but to
instead try to jump all the way over
you and get my shit cut off!

He JUMPS and gets his SHIT cut RIGHT THE FUCK OFF. Then he
is COMPLETELY BURNED.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Motherfucker!

EWAN MCGREGOR
I'm leaving, Hayden! Even though
you are writhing in agony, I won't
do the humane thing and put you out
of your misery. You're the dick,
though.

He leaves. IAN arrives shortly after.

IAN MCDIARMID
Take him back to Coruscant so we
can put him in the big black life
support suit that I just so happen
to have laying around for just such
an occasion.

They DO.

INT. POLIS MASSA HOSPITAL ROOM

A CGI MEDICAL DROID is delivering NATALIE'S CHILDREN.
Another CGI DROID talks to EWAN and JIMMY SMITS.

JIMMY SMITS
Jesus, not every scene needs some
digital character in them. She's
giving birth, can't we leave at
least a FEW frames of the film free
from CGI bullshit? Hell, Ewan chould
have delivered the twins, that would
be more dramatic.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
More what?

MEDICAL DROID
She's dying. She has given up the
will to live.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Given up the will to live? She does
know she has two brand new babies to
live for, doesn't she?

NATALIE has her twins, the order of which creates a
completely unnecessary continuity error for no reason other
than the fact that DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS must really enjoy
watching his obsessive fans rationalize obvious flaws. She
DIES.

INT. ALDERAAN CRUISER

YODA, EWAN, and JIMMY discuss what to do with A NEW HOPE.

JIMMY SMITS
I will take the girl. Hey Ewan, if
you know about Leia, how come you
refer to Luke as your last hope in
Empire Strikes Back?

EWAN MCGREGOR
I know about Leia, but Alec Guiness
doesn't.

YODA
Oh, that reminds me! Speaking of
justifying obvious dialogue blunders
created by the fact that George
Lucas didn't actually have all six
films firmly in his mind when he was
making any given one, I need to
train you how to be a force ghost so
you can explain to Luke how Vader
killed his father.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Where should we keep him in the
mean time?

YODA
Take him to his family on Tatooine.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Wait, really? You mean, to hide him
from Hayden and Ian, we're going to
allow him to keep the last name
Skywalker, bring him to Hayden's
birth planet, and put him in the
care of his actual relatives? It
would take like an hour of research
to track him down if the Empire
wanted him.

YODA
Well, go watch over him from really
far away to make sure he's safe.

INT. CORUSCANT IMPERIAL REHAB CENTER

DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN, in full suit, is situated
upright.

DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Where's Natalie Portman? Suddenly I
am worried about her again.

IAN MCDIARMID
It seems that in your overacting,
you killed her.

DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Wow, you'd think that would really
make me see the error of the Dark
Side, realize the Jedi were right
all along, and kill you right now.
Ah well.

IAN MCDIARMID
So, now that the movie is over,
would you say that the prequel
trilogy was worth making?

DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

END

L.O.R.D.

Remember L.O.R.D.? No? Well either way theres a new game called LOTGD (Legand of the Green Dragon) that is basically a suped up, web version of LORD that you NEED to play. I've set it up at http://TVEps.net/lotgd/. Click on over, create an account, and play!

Canada celebrates Canada Day By trying to piss off the US =]

So this past week I was in Montreal and had a great time. The good times stopped today though on my way back. In Canada, Friday, July 1st is equivalent to the US 4th of July. The day has been nothing but trouble for me however.

The day started off just as expected. I checked out of my hotel around 11:30 and headed over to the bus stop (15 min walk). I was aiming for the 11:50 or 12:10 bus to the airport (a 15 minute ride) but ran into problems when I found out that the bus “might not be coming to the stop” since there was a parade for Canada Day. The bellman at the hotel where the bus stops said that he didn’t think the bus would be going there today since some streets were closed, but a cop near by said it should come still. After waiting until about 12:25 (should have been at least two busses, even if they were running late by then) the bellman called me over (thank you!) and let me know of another stop near by (5 min walk) that I could catch the bus. So I was finally aboard the 12:35 bus, which brought me to the airport just before 1. This is where the real problems began.

Normally I use the computer terminals to check in whenever I can so I headed right over to those. I swiped my credit card and entered the flight number that I was given by the travel agent. No dice. The computer said it could not find my flight and required a reference number which I did not have. Frustrated but still not in too bad shape I head over to the “ticketing counter”. I thought (as did several others in line behind me) that this would be where I would get my boarding pass if the computer did not work, but apparently this isn’t how it works in Canada. The ticketing desk is solely to BUY tickets at the airport. I wasn’t even aware people did that anymore. Anyway, I wasted about 20 minutes waiting in line here, a line that was no use to me…..

I am directed over to where I need to go to get boarding passes, on the other side of the room and wait in line. Once I can finally be helped, another problem occurs! Apparently this is only for NATIONAL travel, not international travel! Thankfully, the agent at the gate here is nice enough to print out my boarding pass anyway since the flight was scheduled to leave in about 25 minutes by that time. There is one more surprise though that happens… I am booked for a flight to Toronto then DC instead of directly there. At first I think my travel agent messed up but pressing the Air Canada agent, I find that they booked it for me for some reason. I don’t have time to argue since the flight that they booked me on leaves at the same time my original flight was supposed to leave. She just suggests that it got canceled and I got auto rebooked. One more snarfo though. Once I get to Toronto she says I’m booked on United back to the states and would have to pick up my boarding pass at the gate once I get there. Sounds like no big deal so I thank her and run off to the gate to board the now-boarding plane.

If only life was that simple though. After arriving in Toronto I follow the connection signs which leads me out on a bus to Terminal Two where United flys out of. I get right up to the security checkpoint for this terminal (about 3:30 now) but am not admitted since I don’t have my boarding pass yet. Instead I get sent back, right, and right to the ticketing desks to pick up the pass. Slightly annoyed at this point but still keeping my cool I walk the terminal to where United has their station. After a five minute line I speak to a United rep who says she sees no booking for me and that I have to “go behind this booth and speak to Air Canada to get a FOD (or something like that..) and then they can issue my ticket”. Now I’m starting to get real annoyed that I might miss my flight which is at 4:40 but I head to the Air Canada line. I speak to a rep there who looks confused and checks with someone else. A minute or so later she comes back and points me way down the hall saying I need to go there to get a new ticket. I ask if there’s anything she can do to speed the process since the flght leaves soon and she says “no. but there are two people working there and there is no line so it won’t take long at all”.

Boy was she wrong!!! I make my way over there and indeed there are two people working there, and the line isn’t very long (two people) but damn they were slow. The two people waiting there were nice enough to let me cut since now I was running out of time, but one of the reps was helping someone else, and the other was talking to someone on the phone planning travel for tomorrow! I try to interrupt him and alert him to the urgency several times but he just tells me I have to wait my turn. About *twenty minutes* pass before finally someone can help me (the other rep). She fills out a sheet I guess allowing United to charge them for the ticket and I take off running back to United. I get to their desk about 4:10pm, still what I’d consider enough time to make a 4:40 flight. This however was not what the rep there thought. She says they stop booking flights 40 minutes before the flight since it takes 30 minutes to pass through security and get to the plane. Furthermore she says the paper I waited about 20 minutes to get is useless! I now have to go back and get a new one to get on the 7pm flight. Really pissed off now that I can no longer keep my Friday night plans I run back to the Air Canada ticketing desk. After a few minutes of waiting I am able to speak to the same woman again who in turns just crosses off the old flight number and writes the new number on the paper. That’s ALL that needed to be done! She says that they have had lots of problems with United at this airport and United should have been able to change the flight easily without me having to come back here. Grrr.. Now I’m storming mad as I run back to the United counter having to wait about five minutes before speaking to the United reps who really screwed me over. While I’m waiting for them to get my ticket another person is there complaining too to the horrible service she has been given today by United. I get my ticket about 4:35, head through customs and off towards the gate. I get to the gate about 4:45, just a few minutes after the plan was supposed to take off. I speak to the person at the gate and she said it JUST left. I could have easily made it if all this crap didn’t happen. $#%#@$^

I finally get back to Dulles close to 9pm, 5 hours after I was supposed to arrive and too late to make the dc2600 meet for July. I’m heading back to Montreal Tuesday. I sure hope this doesn’t happen again.

Happy 4th of July and damn you Canada!!